Reasons

I'm hoping that this will be read in chronological order because otherwise it may not make sense.  Just know that this is a continuation to the previous post.  As a week or two went by I kept giving reasons as to why this can't happen.  Here are just a few.

- It will be hard.  Taking in a child with disability is a "lifetime sentence".  That probably sounds really bad. Not that I couldn't love them, it just would bog us down.  Everything will be harder.  Going to the grocery store, vacations, even just finding a babysitter.  Who wants to babysit 5 kids, one of which is special needs in some way?  Uh, how about nobody.  Depending on the disability, they may never just grow up and go to college or get married.  And do I dare say the word SACRAMENT MEETING?!!!  I already leave church wanting to commit suicide!  (Okay, that was an exaggeration, but...yeah)

- Adoptions take forever.  Like 12-18 months for a child WITH disabilities.  BTW, I'm kinda bitter about this because if there are all of these "waiting children" everywhere in the world, why do they make it as hard as they do?  In fact, I've wondered if it'd be easier to part the Red Sea.  

- People will think we are crazy.  I'm almost embarrassed to say it, but I've seriously been worried about what people will say or think.  "Seriously?  Can you believe that the Wyners are crazy enough to do this?"  "They must think they are great parents to take this on!"  "They must be rollin' in the dough over there to blow their money on this."  I'm scared to even tell people.  I realize that this is pathetic because, quite frankly, its nobody's business and I shouldn't care what they think or say.

- Money.  It costs money to get a child.  Back to the whole being bitter thing, if there are all of these starving children in other countries, WHY AREN'T THEY GIVING THEM AWAY?!  It's really quite irritating.  Children aren't cheap it turns out.  I am not a big spender.  I drive a piece of crap minivan that should have broken down and died by now.  I shop at yard sales.  I get anxiety just buying anything full price.  If by chance you see me dressed in anything that may be somewhat "in-style" its because I've either purchased it from a garage sale, bought it at Ross, or it was given to me.  How will I spend this kind of money?

- My minivan.  It was a sad, sad day when Marc told me that we'd have to buy a different (note that I didn't say "NEW", just different) minivan.  The one we have won't fit 3 booster seats across the back.  Our van is what I like to call a mini-minivan.  Its just a hair smaller.  This reason is mainly a joke.  I'm not THAT attached to my van, its just that I don't want to have to spend money on a new one. (See, I'm doing it again!  Talking about making the purchase of a van is making me nervous.) Marc on the other hand, is quite happy with this reason.  Hey...maybe this is why he is pushing for adoption now.

- My other children.  It took me a while to get over this one.  I don't want them to feel neglected while their mother is out to save the world by adopting a child with disabilities.  Will they resent me?  Will they like them?  What if they don't?  Will I have enough time for them?  Will I still find time to help them with their homework and read with them?  

All of these issues have slowly been resolved.  Starting with the last one.  As I was thinking about this one day I thought, "Wait a minute!  I grew up with Zak!  I didn't feel neglected!  I didn't feel like I was less wanted or that he was more important than me!  My mom still found time to help me with my homework and listen to me read."  I'm not sure why I had that brief moment of insanity.  Not only did I not feel neglected, but I GUARANTEE I'm a better person because I am his sister.  It was a PRIVILEGE to have him as my brother.  I am a better person because he was in our family.   Not only will this not be bad for my children, but it will be GOOD for them!  Good for them to recognize that they are blessed to have healthy bodies, blessed to be able to think right,  and good for them to learn to serve. This could be the best thing that ever happens to them.

It seems like my cousin Callie posted a talk given by Russell M Nelson on facebook about five million times.  After the fifth millionth time I finally read the talk, and thank you Callie, it was EXACTLY what I needed.  In his talk he said, "Stellar Spirits are often housed in imperfect bodies.  The gift of such a body can actually strengthen a family as parents and siblings willingly build their lives around that child born with special needs."

Next, the money reason.  On further thought, I can't think of anything I'd rather spend my money on.  I will never want to spend thousands of dollars on anything.  I don't even WANT a brand new van.  I'm so happy behind the wheel of that van its not even funny.  I don't WANT a bunch of new clothes or a boat (unlike Marc).  I wouldn't spend the flippin' money anyways!  It would just sit in my bank account because, as annoying people would put it, I'm cheap.  Why NOT pay for a child?

As for it being hard.  That one hasn't changed.  Yep, it will be.  I will feel overwhelmed.  It will consume my life.  It will be hard to find someone who is "crazy" enough to babysit them all.  Sacrament meeting will be a pain in the butt.  There will be days I wonder how I'm gonna make it through the day.  It will be so hard that I cry.  There will be moments that I question why I thought I could handle it. It. Will. Be. Hard.  

A couple weeks ago in sacrament meeting we were singing the opening hymn.  It was Lord I Would Follow Thee.  This song has always been a favorite of mine.  I love it.  When I started singing it this time though, something stood out to me that I've NEVER really paid attention to.  The first verse says :                    
                  Savior may I learn to love thee, 

                  walk the path that thou hast shown.

                  Pause to help and lift another, 

                  FINDING STRENGTH BEYOND MY OWN

                  Savior may I learn to love thee,

                  Lord, I would follow thee.

It hit me.  The truth is I can't do it-that's the bottom line.  I can't do it ON MY OWN!  The Lord will have to help me.  I will have to find strength beyond my own to do it.  And I will.  

After this eye-opening experience you'd think that I was set.  I still have my moments of questions, but it just keeps coming back to this song.